June 03, 2014

My Archenemy, Salad.

Okay, I know salads are great and stuff.  I love salad.  With some meat, and some cheese on it, mmmm.... I'm getting hungry just imagining it.  But I'm pretty sure salads were invented by rabbits, who didn't have to use forks in order to be accepted by society for having manners.  Sure, forks are very 'civilized.'  But I'd honestly much rather eat neatly and quickly with my fingers.  That might sound gross, but let me give you some reasons why.

1.  Croutons.
I'm sure you've all run into this problem before.  You're eating a delicious salad with one of those wicked inventions we call a fork, when you stumble upon a tasty bit of stale bread which civilization calls a crouton.  You viciously stab the crouton with your 'fork' and it disintegrates into a billion smaller pieces of stale bread. Now your crouton is ruined, and you can never successfully eat it unless you forget your manners and lick the bowl.  I know, I know, first world problems.

2.  The Lettuce. 
This part especially irritates me.  Lets use our earlier example, just for the sake of not making too many salads ;)  So you're already in tears because you just destroyed your crouton mercilessly with that weapon of mass destruction called a fork.  Now you have to chase your lettuce around in the bottom of the bowl because it doesn't have a big crunchy, juicy stem like the other lettuce you already ate.  At this point, I usually just forksake (ha. ha. PUN INTENDED!) the fork and resort to using the tools God gave me. MY PHILANGES!!! (Speaking of using the tools God gave me, I've never understood why my parents were like "DON'T OPEN THAT WITH YOUR TEETH!! GOD GAVE YOU TOOLS, USE THEM!" and I'm thinking, yeah, God gave me tools called teeth... I am using them...)  This guy here is doin' it right.  By the way, not my photo, nobody arrest me or sue me or anything. :)

Aaaand this picture also leads me to my third point.  

3.  Those big honking pieces of lettuce. 
See that guy? Eating that giant piece of lettuce?  It looks like a lettuce pizza its so big.  Most romaine lettuce is like that.  And when you get a big unwieldy piece of lettuce, you can't just stuff it in your mouth, it looks like one of those heartburn commercials where your 'food is fighting back.'  But this guy is doing it right, and taking it one bite at a time by using his fingers!!!  

Anyway.  Public Service Announcement.  Well, and my personal opinion.  (We'll call this a BSA, and no that's not an abbreviation for some form of swearing, it stands for Biased Service Announcement.)  Eating salad with your fingers is easier! :D

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