March 18, 2014

Devilish Cream Cheese

For all of you out there who just adore cream cheese, keep this story in mind. Perhaps this moral applies to more than one situation, but it definitely applies to those absent minded people out there (like me,) who do stupid things.

And beware. This post might get cheesy. ;)

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, I was a middle schooler. And even then I had a strange fetish (an inanimate object worshiped for its supposed magical powers or because it is considered to be inhabited by a spirit.  Google it.) for cream cheese. Yum. I used to spread it carefully and thickly on two pieces of bread and take it to school as "a sandwich." Yum again. However, on this one particular school morning I got sick and tired of the cream cheese being too cold to spread on the bread without tearing it, so I threw it in the microwave. Apparently I should have read this wikihow article on How To Soften Cream Cheese beforehand.

 Yeah, it might melt it. Or, ya know, set it on fire.

At the time I really just wanted to microwave the darn cheese and finish making my lunch, so I wasn't really paying attention.  So I opened up a new box of Philadelphia cream cheese, threw the whole unopened thing in the microwave, set for about 30 seconds and pushed start.

Do you see that picture? See how the cream cheese is wrapped in foil?  I threw the whole thing, foil and all, into the microwave.  Even at the time, I knew that putting metal in the microwave was a nono.  But I didn't know what it would do.

Well, this is what it did.  As soon as I pushed start, the microwave lights started flickering on and off as blue bolts of electricity shot from the top of the microwave into the cream cheese.  These bolts of lightning made lighting sounds too.  It sounded like popcorn on steroids.  It was so loud I had to cover my ears while I reached hesitantly toward to the microwave STOP button.  I wasn't sure whether the microwave would electrify me or fry me or something.  Worried my parents would come downstairs and wonder why I was making popcorn at 6:00 AM, I pushed STOP.  The lights in the microwave went off like they usually did.  I slowly opened the door and the lights came on, just like normal.  As soon as the door opened and air entered the microwave, the corners of the package caught on fire like little aluminum foil candles.  I never knew aluminum foil could catch on fire.  I mean, all metal melts, but apparently it can catch on fire too.  I quickly blew out the cream cheese candle, and pulled it out of the microwave.

For being shot through with 1200 watt lighting, the cheese was barely softened.  I would have thought it would melt. You were wrong Wikihow, the cream cheese didn't melt.  It skipped the whole melting stage.  It caught on fire.  

Let this be a lesson to those cream cheese heads out there.  Never microwave metal.  Even when you're not paying attention.